


All of the Attention

by Samunderthelights



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Fanfiction, Gay, M/M, Ryden, Rydon, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-22 03:45:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9581867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samunderthelights/pseuds/Samunderthelights
Summary: Ryan has cleaned up his act, and he is now enjoying himself and travelling the world. But when Panic! announces a surprise gig, he can't resist going there to see them. To see Brendon.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys, I started out writing stories about nine years ago. They were Ryden stories. So I thought it would be fun to try and go back to that. It's the first time in about six years that I have written anything Panic!, so it was quite a change again. But I really enjoyed writing this. I hope you guys enjoy reading it! xx

Ryan is on the balcony of his hotel room, smoking a cigarette. The only vice that still remains from when he was younger. He can’t help but smile as he looks down at the crowded street. People rushing past each other. Rushing to get to work. Rushing to get to their next destination.  
Sirens can be heard in the distance. Cars driving down the street. One is honking his horn. Shouting. More sirens. A general noise from the people, rising up to reach Ryan. Ryan, who is on his own, looking down at it all.  
He was only a kid when he got everything he had ever dreamed off; he started a band with his friends. They got signed to a label, wrote an album, released it. That’s when it all begin, really. That’s when it reached a fever pitch.  
Their band became more popular than anyone could have ever imagined. Four kids, who didn’t have a clue. They got to travel the world. See things. Experience things. Their faces were on thousands’ of people’s walls. What more could they have wished for?  
Ryan had everything he had ever wanted. A beautiful girlfriend. A successful career. He got to travel the world with his best friends. Making music. Seeing things. Experiencing things. Far too much. Too soon. Too young.  
First came alcohol. Then drugs. Then the fights. So many fights. It became unbearable. Ryan knew he became unbearable. Started to envy his band mate. Why should he get all of the attention? Why should he get to sing? Why should he get what Ryan had worked so hard for?  
But Ryan knew better. He knew that they would be nothing without him. He was the band. So he left. Took one of his band mates with him. The drugs made him manipulative. Now he would get everything. All of the attention.  
But it all fell apart. Soon he saw his world unravelling before his eyes. He lost everything. His friends. His career. Respect. He knew he had messed up.  
It had been too much. Too soon. He had simply been too young.

Here he is, many years later, smoking a cigarette, looking down at the crowded street. The crowds, it reminds him of the past. Back when he was on the stage, with his friends. Back when he was still a part of it all. He can’t help but smile.  
He hears his phone buzzing, so he puts his cigarette down in the ashtray, and goes into his room. His phone is on the bedside table, lighting up. When he grabs it, a rush of adrenaline goes through his body.  
Panic! At The Disco has shared 1 new image.  
Ryan has been following the band ever since he got clean. Sober. Ever since he realised he needed to change. He messed up. And he needed to get back on track. Or he’d be dead by the time he was thirty-five.  
But the band isn’t a band anymore. It fell apart. It unravelled. The band is now Brendon. The young man Ryan had once envied so badly. The young man who had gotten all of the attention. The man who is still getting all of the attention.  
Ryan doesn’t envy him anymore. He respect him. He is happy for him. He is proud of him. Brendon got the band to places where no one else would have been able to take it. He managed to make something out of it. Out of himself. He did it.  
Ryan opens the image, and it takes a while to load. The wifi signal in the hotel is terrible. When it has finally loaded, Ryan gets another rush of adrenaline. It is an image of Brendon, with the words; Surprise show in London. Tonight. Only 200 tickets available. Order now.  
London? London, England? Ryan feels slightly sick. Because here he is, in London. Two months of travelling the world. Finally really seeing the places he had visited as a young man. London. Out of all places. What are the odds?  
Ryan clicks on the link to buy tickets, but then he sees the wifi symbol disappearing. He tries to reconnect. But it doesn’t work. There is no signal. No signal. No tickets. No seeing the band play live tonight.  
He hadn’t gone to see them, Brendon and Spencer, play live. And he hasn’t seen Brendon play live either. He couldn’t face it. Too much guilt. Shame. Embarrassment. He had spoken to Brendon on several occasions. But it was small talk. Awkward.  
He would love to see him now. Up on that stage. Do his thing. He would love to be there tonight. But what can he do? No signal. To tickets.

It’s been a few hours, and Ryan is at a café, having early dinner. He had tried to get tickets just now, but they were sold out. Of course. So no seeing Brendon tonight. He wishes he knew where he was staying. He would have gone to see him. But he doesn’t even have his phone number.  
But then he decides to be brave. Bold. He finishes his dinner, pays, and leaves. He takes a deep breath, and goes to the nearest tube station. After he has asked the man who works there for directions, he checks his phone again. Almost six-thirty. Half an hour until the doors open. A thirty-minute journey the man had said.

When Ryan reaches the venue, he hears the familiar sounds of a group of people. Full of excitement. Adrenaline. He pulls his hood down further, covering his face. Most people must have forgotten about him now. Surely. And he doesn’t look like the baby faced teenager anymore. But why take the risk of being recognised?  
He knows where the bus is parked. The backstage area. They have played here before. He reaches it within seconds. A few people shoot him a confused look. He walks past them. Confidence is the trick. A knock on the door.  
“This area is only for the crew and the artists, love. You can go over there, and the door will open in a few minutes,” a woman says, when she sees Ryan, a kind smile on her face.  
“Ryan?” someone asks, and Ryan recognises the voice. It’s one of the men who has worked with them on a few of the European tours. The woman leaves, leaving the two men alone.  
“What are you doing here? Does Brendon know you’re here?” he asks, as he comes up to Ryan. Ryan just shakes his head, and the man gives him a big hug.  
“I couldn’t get a ticket. But I would love to see the show.”  
“Of course, come in,” the man says, “Man, you have changed. You look much better. Healthier. You quit all that stuff, yeah?”  
“Yeah.” Ryan says, as the man leads him through a narrow hallway.  
“I’m glad, man. Brendon will be happy to see you.”  
“No, I don’t want him to know I’m here. I just want to see the show, if you don’t mind.”  
“Are you sure?”  
“Yeah,” Ryan says, feeling nervous. He can’t face seeing Brendon in person. Talking to him. He is still too embarrassed.

Ryan has been standing in the back of the venue, watching the show. A few girls have looked at him, then turning around, giggling. They recognised him. But no one has come up to him. He doesn’t mind. He doesn’t want, or need any of that anymore. That is in the past.  
Brendon is now on the stage, performing the final song. He is dripping with sweat, jumping up and down. Almost manic. Ryan can’t help but get the biggest grin on his face. Listening to I Write Sins Not Tragedies. Singing along to it in his head. Seeing their younger selves in his mind. It brings tears to his eyes. When one falls down, he quickly wipes it away, still smiling. He is so happy. So proud.  
“Thank you, and goodnight!” Brendon says, and he wants to leave the stage. Ryan is about to turn around and leave, but then he catches Brendon’s eye. He has been seen. Caught. Should he leave? Stay?  
He watches Brendon leave the stage, and for just a few seconds, he remains frozen on the spot. Brendon has seen him. Or maybe he wasn’t sure it was him. He could still leave. But he won’t. He knows he won’t. He pulls his hood over his head, covering most of his face, and he gazes down at the floor, avoiding the people leaving the venue. Some girls hang around, hoping to meet Brendon. But someone from the venue comes to lead them away. Brendon won’t be coming out to meet them tonight. They let Ryan stay.  
“Hey,” Brendon says, when the venue has cleared out. Ryan turns around, and his mouth turns dry, his palms sweaty, his heart starts beating faster. Nervous. Scared. Embarrassed.  
“Hey.”  
“Do you want to grab a drink? There’s a café upstairs,” Brendon suggests, and Ryan nods, not able to speak. They go upstairs, not saying a word. As soon as they go into the café, which is empty, apart from a few employees, they sit down at a table in the back.  
“So, what are you doing here, in London?”  
“I was travelling, actually,” Ryan says, having found his voice again.  
“Wow. So it’s a coincidence we’re both in London then?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Lucky,” Brendon says, and they are both sensing how awkward this is. “So… you got clean then?”  
“Yeah, how did you know?”  
“I see it.” Brendon smiles. “You look good, Ry. Really good. Healthy. You haven’t looked healthy in years.”  
“Thanks.”  
“I’m proud of you,” Brendon says, and Ryan can feel his cheeks burning, and he looks down at the table. A young man comes up to them, and explains that they can’t serve any drinks, because they are technically closed.  
“That’s alright. We can go to my dressing room,” Brendon says. The young man apologises, but Brendon just flashes a smile and tells him it’s fine. The two men get up, and go to Brendon’s dressing room in silence. Normally he would have gone to his hotel room by now, but when he saw Ryan, he knew that he had to talk to him.  
“So, how long have you been clean?” Brendon asks, when they sit down in the old sofa.  
“Just over a year. I got clean before, but I relapsed,” Ryan admits. More embarrassment.  
“That’s only normal. I mean it, Ry, I’m proud of you.”  
“Thank you.” Blushing. Again. Silence.  
“So, what do you think?” Brendon eventually asks, but Ryan doesn’t understand. Think? Think of what? Did he miss a question? “Think of the show,” Brendon laughs, when he sees Ryan’s confused look. “Did I mess up your band?”  
“No,” Ryan laughs. “You…,” he begins, but he doesn’t finish his sentence.  
“Or did I do okay?”  
“Yeah…”  
“It’s only me,” Brendon then says, and he playfully pushes against Ryan’s arm. “Stop being so…”  
“I’m embarrassed,” Ryan admits. “Of what I did, to you, to the other guys. I’m embarrassed of the things I said to you.”  
“That’s all in the past. We all said some shit, but it’s all good, right? We’re all older now, more mature,” Brendon laughs.  
“But I said some awful things to you. All of you, but mostly to you.”  
“We all did. Like I said, it’s in the past.”  
“I never even said sorry,” Ryan says, and he can feel tears welling up. But he knows that he can’t cry. Because once he’ll start, he won’t be able to stop.  
“None of us did. And I meant what I said back then. I thought you were a dick. But so was I. So were those guys. We all fucked up. That’s why we all went our own way, right?” Brendon says. “And look at us, we’re all alright. We grew up, got better. We’re alright.”  
“Especially you, you got everything you ever wanted,” Ryan says, and he means well. Especially Brendon. Who continued. Who is still a star. Ryan is proud. But Brendon hears it as one of Ryan’s hateful comments. Envious.  
“That’s not fair.”  
“No, I didn’t…,” Ryan tries, but he can see that Brendon is hurt. “I didn’t mean it like that.”  
“Of course you didn’t.”  
“I didn’t,” Ryan repeats. “I am happy for you. And I am happy that you continued with the band, even if it’s just in name. It’s… fuck, this sounds bad, but you are making us bigger. Better. The four of us could never have done that. You took us there. You took Panic! there. I mean it, Bren, I am glad.”  
“I’m sorry, for thinking you… you know, were being a little bitch,” Brendon says, and Ryan can’t help but laugh.  
“I can’t blame you. After what I used to say to you.”  
“Why did you hate me so much?” Brendon asks. “Because I used to love you, you know? I looked up to you, and I worshipped the living hell out of you. And you just hated my guts.”  
Ryan can feel his heart beating fast. Brendon used to look up to him? Worship him? Love him? Ryan had always thought that Brendon had thought very little of him. That he hadn’t meant much to him. Hearing this, it means a lot to him. And he can feel the tears welling up again.  
“I never hated you,” Ryan admits.  
“You sure acted like it,” Brendon laughs.  
“I didn’t,” Ryan says. “I envied you. Because you had everything. You had all of the attention. I was jealous.”  
“But Ry… you had exactly the same things as me. We had everything together. We shared the attention. I never once thought that I was more than any of you, simply because I sang the words.”  
“I know…I just…,” Ryan says, but then he stops himself.  
“What? You were going to say something.”  
Ryan was indeed going to say something. Something that he has kept to himself ever since he was a teenager. Something that had fuelled his drug habit. His alcohol intake. His confusion. His envy. His behaviour. It had changed everything. Should he tell Brendon now, or take it to the grave? Come clean, explain it? Face up to it? Or keep it in, and lie? Today he feels brave. Bold.  
“Yes, I was jealous, but it was also because I didn’t want you to come near me,” Ryan says, and he can see the pain in Brendon’s eyes. “I didn’t want us to be close, because I hated it.” More pain. Hurt. “Because I was in love with you. And being near you, it confused me, it scared me, and it messed me up. Real bad. So I pushed you away.”  
“You were?” Brendon asks, and Ryan nods. “Wow. I had no idea. I’m so sorry, Ry, if I had known…”  
“Then it would have been worse,” Ryan interrupts him. “Because then it would have been awkward, and I probably would have lost my mind sooner.”  
“No, then I would have probably confessed to you that I felt the same way,” Brendon admits. Ryan feels a wave of adrenaline going through his mind. His hands become numb. Dry mouth. Mind racing. Brendon, in love? With him?  
“Oh, come on, you must have known?” Brendon laughs. “I didn’t even try to hide it. Like I said, I worshipped you. I came close to kissing the ground you walked on,” he laughs.  
“But…”  
“I wish you would’ve told me, man. Things could’ve been very different.”  
“I…,” Ryan tries, but he can’t form a sentence. It’s too much.  
“Fuck,” Brendon laughs, shaking his head. A long silence follows, where they are both just staring ahead, not looking at each other.  
“Do you wish I wouldn’t have told you? Now, I mean,” Ryan asks, and Brendon shrugs.  
“It does explain why you did some of the things you did, I guess. And it’s nice to know that you did love me,” Brendon laughs, trying to lighten the mood.  
“I did. A lot. And I am sorry that you thought I hated you. I never hated you.”  
“I’m glad. I never hated you either,” Brendon admits. “If anything, you’ve always been that one person I couldn’t stop loving, you know? That one person everyone has.”  
Too much to process. Ryan hears the words, but they are not being processed. They are just being repeated in his brain. Brendon could not stop loving him. Brendon loves him.  
“Sorry, man, I didn’t mean to make you feel awkward. I know you’ve probably got some hot girl waiting for you back in your hotel,” Brendon laughs. “But I’m just saying.”  
“I don’t.” The mood turns awkward. Another silence follows.  
“I’m glad you came tonight. And we should meet up soon,” Brendon eventually says, clearly ending this conversation. This meeting. “I’ve missed you.”  
“Yeah, I’ve missed you too.”  
“And I’m glad we got to clear some things up.”  
“Me too,” Ryan says, not knowing what else to say. Brendon gets up. Ryan follows. Brendon wraps his arms around the man in front of him, and Ryan can’t help but breathe in Brendon’s scent. It’s that familiar after-show smell. Brendon’s scent, mixed with sweat. So familiar. He has missed it. He has missed Brendon. He holds on tight, trying to breathe in as much of him as he can. But then Brendon leans back, and Ryan feels a sadness in the pit of his stomach. But when Brendon presses his lips again Ryan’s, the sadness is replaced by a warmth. Ryan kisses him back. And although it is a short, sweet kiss, it is important. It is serious. Not just a kiss. It is more. It is an ‘I love you’.

After they had kissed, Ryan had left without saying a word. It had been too much. He had wanted it again. Drugs. A drink. But he had stayed strong. He had gone back to the hotel. And after being awake for hours, he had finally fallen asleep. Dreaming of what had happened that night.  
He has just woken up. It’s almost one in the afternoon. He checks his phone, more out of habit than anything. But there is a message from an unknown number.  
It took quite a few calls to get your number, so this better be you, Ry. Meet me at 2. B.  
Below this message is an address. Ryan knows who B is. It’s Brendon. Who else can it be? He wants to meet him. But how can he face him? What is going to happen now? Will it be too much? Will it drive him over the edge if he is rejected? Pushed away? He isn’t sure if he is strong enough. But he can’t ignore it. He has to face it. It’s the least he can do after everything he has done to Brendon in the past.

Ryan had rushed to get changed and get to the address on time. It turned out to be a hotel. And as he enters it, his heart is beating fast. Brendon is nowhere to be seen. He is ready to turn around, when he feels a hand on his shoulder. He jumps up, and hears a familiar laugh.  
“I’m glad you came,” Brendon says, when he turns around. Ryan just gives a little nod. “Do you want to have lunch? There’s a great restaurant here. Or we can go to my room? Talk.”  
“I don’t mind,” Ryan says, and it is obvious that he is terrified. Brendon flashes a comforting smile, and puts a hand on his arm.  
“Relax. We’re alright,” he says, and Ryan nods. “Let’s grab a bite to eat.”  
They go into the restaurant, finding it almost empty. Only an elderly couple is having lunch, sitting near the bar. The two men take a seat at a table near the window, and a waitress comes up to them right away. After she has taken their order, she leaves.  
“How did you sleep?” Brendon asks, trying to make small talk. But it is obvious that Ryan is a big bundle of nerves. Fear. “Ry, look at me,” he says, and Ryan looks up at him. “Are you angry with me for kissing you?”  
“No, I…”  
“Because I meant it. I wanted to do it. And I thought you did too. And I am so sorry if I misinterpreted the situation,” Brendon says. “Because I didn’t want to hurt or upset you.”  
“I know,” Ryan says, but then he looks down again.  
“What is it that you want?” Brendon asks, in a voice that is so kind and understanding, that it makes Ryan want to burst into tears right here and now. It makes him want to crawl into a ball, and just let it all out. “How do you feel?”  
“I like you,” Ryan states, still looking down.  
“Then why do you look as though you are about to fall apart?” Brendon asks.  
“Because this can’t happen, can it?” Ryan asks, now looking up. “You’re Brendon, you’re Panic!.”  
“So? I had a girlfriend, the band continued. Was married, band continued. Divorced, band continued. I’m pretty sure I can be with someone else, and the band will be perfectly fine. So that’s no excuse,” Brendon says. Ryan is about to open his mouth, but then the waitress comes over with their drinks. So he keeps quiet, until she has left again.  
“But what about…,” Ryan begins, but he can’t explain what he is thinking. “You can’t be with me. Some low-life junkie who nearly ruined it all, Bren.”  
“A recovering addict, who managed to get his life back after everything had gone to shit,” Brendon says, looking angry. “Who has managed to survive. Who is fucking sitting here, in front of me, looking better than ever, because he changed. He fucking did it. You did it, Ryan,” he continues, raising his voice. The elderly couple looks over, but Brendon doesn’t even notice. “You are this strong, amazing man, and I don’t give a shit about what other people think. I love you,” he adds, and every single word is hitting Ryan right in the chest. He can feel the tears welling up, but he won’t cry. “I fucking love you, Ry.”  
“I can’t ruin things for you,” Ryan whispers. “You deserve better.”  
“How can I deserve better when you are the best?” Brendon asks, and as he says it, they both start laughing. Because that was too much. And even though he had meant it. It had sounded awful. Like a bad script from a bad movie. But it had changed the mood. And seeing Ryan laugh, it lights up Brendon’s world.  
“Fucking hell,” Ryan laughs.  
“I know,” Brendon laughs, looking at the man in front of him. His first love. The beautiful boy, who had fallen apart in front of him. And there had been nothing he could do to help him. He had watched him destroy himself. It had torn him apart. Now here he is, a beautiful man. Strong. Healthy. Laughing. Alive. It means the absolute world to him.  
“But I mean it, I love you, and I always have. I just hope that we can actually do something with it, and give it a chance.”  
“I love you too, but I am so messed up.”  
“I know,” Brendon laughs. “So am I. Who cares? I love you, and I want to be with you. I am willing to go down on my knees, right here, right now, and beg.”  
“Don’t you dare,” Ryan laughs. But Brendon laughs, gets up, and kneels down beside Ryan on the ground. “Brendon, get up, right now,” Ryan warns him, his face turning a dark shade of red.  
“Ryan, will you please give me a chance?” Brendon asks, and Ryan can’t help but laugh, because Brendon is pouting, like he used to, when he was younger. “Will you please let me love you? Will you please…”  
“Get up,” Ryan laughs, because the elderly couple are glaring at them now, shooting dirty looks.  
“Please love me,” Brendon laughs. Ryan’s heart skips a beat. Because he has always loved Brendon. He fell in love with him the moment he met him. Love at first sight. First love. True love.  
“I do love you,” Ryan laughs, “Now get up,” he laughs, and Brendon finally gets up, but stays beside Ryan.  
“So, are we giving this a go then?” Brendon smirks, and Ryan can’t help but smile. He has missed him so much. And being with him again, it makes him feel happier than he has been in years.  
“Yeah,” he laughs, and Brendon leans forward and gives him a kiss. A warmth comes over Ryan. Warmth. Fulfilment. Happiness. He had been so envious all those years ago. So insecure. But not anymore. Because he has everything he has ever wanted. He has his life back on track. He is clean. Sober. Brendon is back in his life. Brendon loves him. Here he is, looking at him, with the biggest smile on his face. Yes, Ryan now has everything he has ever wanted. Everything he has ever needed. He has Brendon’s attention. All of the attention.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you! xx


End file.
